How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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