Buhtt sex?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
