Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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