I skipped work to stalk him.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
