Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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