peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
