I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
