.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
