We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize