just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
