Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
