no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
