I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
