For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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