Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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