we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
