Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
