You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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