Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
