I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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