I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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