I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
