I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
