Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
