it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
