Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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