I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
