im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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