He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
