i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
