booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
