ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
