my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
