She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
