hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
