these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
