she was so not down for the gang bang
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
