I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
