Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They have beer where we have blood.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
