Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
