this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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