So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
