So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize