last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
