I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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