i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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