My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
