What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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