youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
