Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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