It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
