you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
