You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
