Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
