i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
