need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There r osticjed everywhere
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
