How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
